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Retro Review : Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (Chardonnay Edition)

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Directed By

William Beaudine

Written By

Carl K. Hittleman

Starring

John Lupton

Narda Onyx

Estelita Rodriguez

Cal Bolder

Jim Davis

Music By

Raoul Kraushaar

Embassy Pictures

1966

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3xxOg4k5eI[/youtube]

 

What a pile of shit. First off, Jesse James does not meet Frankenstein’s daughter, he meets his granddaughter. Perhaps “granddaughter” seems too far removed for the title…but still, come on folks. The script was terrible, the acting laughable, and the special effects non-speciable. I loved it.

I did. It has a certain charm that low budget films from the era possess in spades. Sure, there were the flaws…like this Jesse James is not the “ex-confederate soldier turned outlaw” Jesse James but the “folk hero, Robin Hood-y” Jesse James…and somehow the Frankenstein’s shifted from being German to being some sort of Latin…but ok, this is a movie, right?

So Jesse James (John Lupton) has this Of Mice and Men like relationship with beefcake Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder). And they are doing their thing being all outlaw-y and shit when some crazy shit happens and Hank gets injured. Well, unluckily for them, the town all this shit went down in is also home to the Frankensteins, who are tilling along trying to create a perfect monster. Basically, Jesse and this feisty latina (long story) take Hank to the Frankenstein’s place to patch up Hank…and patch him up they do. Hank becomes their monster (minus the original monsters neck plug thingies.)

So why should you watch this movie? Good question. It was bad, but it could possibly make excellent background noise at your next party, especially if adult beverages and/or pharmaceuticals are included.

 


P J Harvey/ Seamus Murphy, “The Colour of the Earth,” “England,” & “Written on the Forehead”

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Three more video treatments by Seamus Murphy are now live. Check them out below. “The Colour of the Earth” is incredible. “Written on the Forehead” is also timely and haunting. This album still holds my “best album of 2011… so far” prize.

 

“The Colour of the Earth”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG8KjeRoUKw[/youtube]

“England”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDjIGB7GJoQ[/youtube]

“Written on the Forehead”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saksKorZEoc[/youtube]

Stand-Up Comic Ricky Cisco Donates Kidney to Facebook Friend’s Husband

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I follow some cool ass people on Tumblr, one of which being comedian Ricky Cisco. This dude cracks me up everyday. Today he became an inspiration.

A while back Cisco read a post from one of his facebook friends. The post read:

Wishing a Kidney would fall out of the sky so my husband can stop suffering. The doctors said it would take at least 5 years for a deceased kidney donor. So if anyone knows a live donor with Type O blood, PLEASE let me know.

Ricky responded and after a string of tests discovered he was  a match. In preparation for having to take months off of work to recover, Ricky set up a fundraising acct. to cover his living expenses, and through donations I am glad to report that he met his goal. This morning he and the man who needed the kidney, Jeffrey Kurze, went under the surgeon’s knife. I just learned via Kidney for Kurze that Ricky is out of surgery and doing well.

Secretly Timid wishes both Ricky and Jeffrey a speedy recovery.

Humpday Funny : Very Mary Kate

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This week’s Humpday Funny comes via Elaine Carroll and College Humor. Have you ever wondered what Mary Kate does during the day? Wonder know more. The series “Very Mary Kate” chronicles the entrepreneurial waif’s daily adventures. Check out some of the video’s below. Then check out Very Mary Kate watch the rest.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jl5TQxCT4M[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x03_Ex-vtiU[/youtube]

Episode 50 : Sugar High

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We’re 50! On today’s episode, Paul returns, Jon turns 30 and drinks Chardonnay, and Diane and Jill eat lots of candy. Hey! Look! Funorexic is now in Urban Dictionary.  Pole-Dancing for Jesus twirls up a little controversy in Texas. Over in Florida, one community is protesting in hopes of forcing one young girl with a severe allergic reaction to peanuts out of the public school system. Speaking of expulsion, Dallas Cowboy Dez Bryant gets ejected from the North Park Mall in Dallas by the fashion police.

This week’s featured song is “Twilight” by Jim Ivins. His EP, “Late Night Drive” is now available via iTunes and Amazon.

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Belated Monday Nerdgasm : Major Marvel News!!

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Photo Credit : Cosplay.com

IndieWire reports that the original X-men story will spawn not one, but two sequels. Producer Lauren Shuler Donner says that the story told in the original trilogy is not over and that the story told in X4 will lead directly into x5.  Good news?

So at the end of X3 we had Prof. X body swapped, Rogue and Mystique de-powered, Magneto possibly re-powered, Cyclops and Phoenix dead (along with a shit ton of others), Wolverine gone and Storm as reigning headmistress. What a clusterfuck! I am interested to see where they go from here. Genosha maybe? Perhaps a little Proteus action?

My fingers and toes are crossed in hopes that Bryan Singer will return to the franchise. While I loved the fact that my Stormy got tough in X3, the story was so muddled that I think only a director and writer like Singer could pull this franchise back from the nosedive that occurred in his absence.

In other Marvel news, Deadpool is reported to be written with a more mature audience in mind. Ryan Reynolds is still in talks to reprise his role as the ‘Merc with a mouth’ so long as his schedule frees up. Hmm…so he will be playing DC’s Green Lantern and Marvel’s Deadpool. What a conflict of interest!

Retro Review : The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

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Directed By

Rod Amateau

Written By

Linda Palmer
Rod Amateau

Starring

Mackenzie Astin
Anthony Newley
Katie Barberi
Phil Fondacaro

Music By

Michael Lloyd

Atlantic Releasing/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Original Release Date : August 22, 1987

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lXmuXVGidY[/youtube]

‘You can’t change the world by locking it away’

I was sure this movie would be shit. I mean, it did make the rank on more than one “worst movies ever made” lists, it was made in the eighties, and it was made solely to capitalize on a trend.

Honestly though, it wasn’t that bad. I enjoyed this film oogles and joogles more than last week’s She-Devils on Wheels. Ok, so here is the plot. This young man named ‘Dodger’ (Astin) is totally a nerd and is bullied by a group of greasers led by a guy named ‘Juice.’ Juice’s girlfriend is named ‘Tangerine’ (Barberi). She’s a slutty bitch, so naturally Dodger is head over hills in love with her.

Dodger works at an antique shop run by a wizard, and among the antiques is a garbage pail. This garbage pail is home to the Garbage Pail Kids. I was shocked to find that Rush Limbaugh was among them. Photo evidence is below.

So amidst a scuffle the Garbage Pail Kids (GBK) get released and end up saving young Dodger from drowning in the sewer. Fastforward….Dodger learns that Tangerine loves fashion and the GBK are free child labor. The GBK agree to sew a fashion line Project Runway Style if Dodger will help find their other friends (who are locked up at the State Home for the Ugly). They shake on it. Tangerine double crosses the GBK and they end up at the State Home for the Ugly. Dodger and the Wizard break everyone out and tear up Tangerine’s fashion show. The End.

There were some instances of eye-brow raising social commentary. The GBK borrow some sewing machines from the “Non-Union Sweatshop.” The prisoners inside the State Home for the Ugly included prisoners who were either “too fat,” “too thin,” “too pale,” and a cross-dresser who was labeled as “too weird.” Dodger and the GBK were ultimately successful by working together. Although at the time parents were outraged by the film, I found the meaning (it is OK to be different, work together, friendship, loyalty, etc.) to be a great one for children, and the vulgarity (vomit, snot, farts etc.) will also keep them entertained. I’d let my kids watch it. You can watch it too, right now. The Garbage Kids Movie is currently available to stream instantly.

 

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/12520137″]

The Garbage Pail Kids “We Can Do Anything (by working with eachother)”

Open Mic with Secretly Timid : Donovan Hufnagle

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Poet Donovan Hufnagle reads a selection of original poems.

Donovan Hufnagle is a writer, student, teacher, and father. He is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Humanities and Aesthetic studies at the University of Texas at Dallas, while instructing full-time at Tarrant County College in Fort Worth Texas. His writing has appeared inTattoo Highway, Sojourn, The Northridge Review, The New York Quarterly, Rougarou, and others.

 

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Humpday Funny : Cat Massage

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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnZhi5gaX8g[/youtube]

This week’s Humpday Funny is from Everything is Terrible : the premier video blog for funny, weird, terrible found footage.

Some helpful tips :

use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun

we touch all the time, so why not be the best at it? like the touch of a fairy

drooling : in this case a drooler is not a person specialized in rings and watches; it’s a cat who’s so wrapped up in enjoying a massage that she forgets to swallow, and then she drools

the front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun; you don’t need a swimming pool for this breast stroking

and

simply start from the base of the rump rubbing your way out and follow it to its natural conclusion