Category Archives: Retro Review

Retro Review : She

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Directed by

Avi Nesher

Written by

Avi Nesher

Starring

Sandahl Bergman

David Goss

Quin Kessler

Music By

Justin Hayward

Motörhead

Rick Wakeman

Continental Films

1982

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDA9XDXcD18[/youtube]

 

Holy shit, y’all. This movie was all sorts of B-Movie awesome. The plot is a little silly, but we like silly. SO the apocalypse happened…nay the “cancellation” happened, and society is all sorts of different. The land is divided by different factions; one of which is led by a Goddess named “She” (Sandahl Bergman). In her land women rule and men are slaves. She knows her way around the land which is why 2 hunks kidnap her ass because one of the hunk’s sister was kidnapped by this creepy dude (Quin Kessler). From here on out the group encounter numerous perils and leave a high body count.

This film was a ton of fun. It had it all…werewolves, giants in tutu’s, nazi’s, you get the drift. The action was pretty terrible…hell, Power Rangers had better fight choreography, but for whatever reason I didn’t mind. The soundtrack is awesome. When you think post-apocalyptic warrior movie what springs to mind? Some strings…heavy percussion…something that rings “period piece.” Well this movie said “hells no” to that bullshit. This film has a heavy metal soundtrack…and it works.

I did notice something that made my eyebrows tingle. So this film takes place in the future, right? Well that racist in your family will be happy to know that in this future there are no ethnic minorities…just whities. This made me frown.

Frowning aside, this film was a lot of fun and definitely worth a little Netflix streaming.


Retro Review : Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (Chardonnay Edition)

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Directed By

William Beaudine

Written By

Carl K. Hittleman

Starring

John Lupton

Narda Onyx

Estelita Rodriguez

Cal Bolder

Jim Davis

Music By

Raoul Kraushaar

Embassy Pictures

1966

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3xxOg4k5eI[/youtube]

 

What a pile of shit. First off, Jesse James does not meet Frankenstein’s daughter, he meets his granddaughter. Perhaps “granddaughter” seems too far removed for the title…but still, come on folks. The script was terrible, the acting laughable, and the special effects non-speciable. I loved it.

I did. It has a certain charm that low budget films from the era possess in spades. Sure, there were the flaws…like this Jesse James is not the “ex-confederate soldier turned outlaw” Jesse James but the “folk hero, Robin Hood-y” Jesse James…and somehow the Frankenstein’s shifted from being German to being some sort of Latin…but ok, this is a movie, right?

So Jesse James (John Lupton) has this Of Mice and Men like relationship with beefcake Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder). And they are doing their thing being all outlaw-y and shit when some crazy shit happens and Hank gets injured. Well, unluckily for them, the town all this shit went down in is also home to the Frankensteins, who are tilling along trying to create a perfect monster. Basically, Jesse and this feisty latina (long story) take Hank to the Frankenstein’s place to patch up Hank…and patch him up they do. Hank becomes their monster (minus the original monsters neck plug thingies.)

So why should you watch this movie? Good question. It was bad, but it could possibly make excellent background noise at your next party, especially if adult beverages and/or pharmaceuticals are included.

 


Retro Review : The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

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Directed By

Rod Amateau

Written By

Linda Palmer
Rod Amateau

Starring

Mackenzie Astin
Anthony Newley
Katie Barberi
Phil Fondacaro

Music By

Michael Lloyd

Atlantic Releasing/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Original Release Date : August 22, 1987

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lXmuXVGidY[/youtube]

‘You can’t change the world by locking it away’

I was sure this movie would be shit. I mean, it did make the rank on more than one “worst movies ever made” lists, it was made in the eighties, and it was made solely to capitalize on a trend.

Honestly though, it wasn’t that bad. I enjoyed this film oogles and joogles more than last week’s She-Devils on Wheels. Ok, so here is the plot. This young man named ‘Dodger’ (Astin) is totally a nerd and is bullied by a group of greasers led by a guy named ‘Juice.’ Juice’s girlfriend is named ‘Tangerine’ (Barberi). She’s a slutty bitch, so naturally Dodger is head over hills in love with her.

Dodger works at an antique shop run by a wizard, and among the antiques is a garbage pail. This garbage pail is home to the Garbage Pail Kids. I was shocked to find that Rush Limbaugh was among them. Photo evidence is below.

So amidst a scuffle the Garbage Pail Kids (GBK) get released and end up saving young Dodger from drowning in the sewer. Fastforward….Dodger learns that Tangerine loves fashion and the GBK are free child labor. The GBK agree to sew a fashion line Project Runway Style if Dodger will help find their other friends (who are locked up at the State Home for the Ugly). They shake on it. Tangerine double crosses the GBK and they end up at the State Home for the Ugly. Dodger and the Wizard break everyone out and tear up Tangerine’s fashion show. The End.

There were some instances of eye-brow raising social commentary. The GBK borrow some sewing machines from the “Non-Union Sweatshop.” The prisoners inside the State Home for the Ugly included prisoners who were either “too fat,” “too thin,” “too pale,” and a cross-dresser who was labeled as “too weird.” Dodger and the GBK were ultimately successful by working together. Although at the time parents were outraged by the film, I found the meaning (it is OK to be different, work together, friendship, loyalty, etc.) to be a great one for children, and the vulgarity (vomit, snot, farts etc.) will also keep them entertained. I’d let my kids watch it. You can watch it too, right now. The Garbage Kids Movie is currently available to stream instantly.

 

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/12520137″]

The Garbage Pail Kids “We Can Do Anything (by working with eachother)”